I am Lame January 12, 2008
Posted by harlequin in Uncategorized.Tags: crap, darkness, i am legend, miserable, pathetic, poor directing, senseless, shit, shocking, terrible
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Always research a movie coming from America, that is my personal motto now; it saves disappointment.
Last night we decided to waste our christmas movie voucher on ‘I am Legend’. The scope for a last man on earth scenario is huge and could’ve possibly involved a decent plot given the depth of expectation from the outset, but like many Hollywood ‘walletbusters’, there’s no punchline; just a continuing drone through confusion and gore. What was the point? It could’ve been something really exciting and worth talking about afterward. Instead we drove home feeling so incredibly ripped off, that Special K started crying and saying ‘that was so awful, I just wanted to leave before it finished.’
Lets break it down. From the first inkling of storyline we find Robert Neville, a megalomaniac dumbarse chasing deer around New York in (one minute part of the massive product placement) a GT500 Ford Mustang holding a sniper rifle trying to shoot through the scope while circumnavigating all the overgrown debris and abandoned cars. Wouldn’t it have been easier to get out and shoot one when not moving? The absurdity does not stop there. A lion attacks the deer he was ’stealthily’ hunting and rather then killing the lions and securing the deer, he lowers his rifle and leaves. What the hell? Oh but wait, it gets worse. While Samantha (a very attractive name for a dog), bolts into a dark enclosure in pursuit of a deer, the audience is lead by a trail of blood to believe some incredibly huge animal had taken it. That in itself would’ve been something. Though this may be classed as a spoiler (believe me, I’m doing you a favour), a darkened array of shadowy humanoid shapes all panting excessively like they were having a circle-jerk forced a statement from my mouth into the shocked audience ‘wtf?’
These dark-wankers are UV sensitive, so must stay in the shadows to survive. Why then do we find Neville rigging a trap under the shade of a bridge in which a female darkling runs out at the scent of blood and is snared by? If the shade was always there, why wasn’t Neville lynched? These creatures had ‘de-evolved’ by Neville’s scientific statement, yet were smart enough to rig up the same trap used on the ‘alpha female’ to snare Neville himself. Let’s face it, even without the strong 9/11 references to ‘ground-zero’ and the martyrdom of christianity, this movie is very holey. Poor script, planning, directing, very average CGI (nothing you haven’t seen before) and even more formulaic acting from the vessel of empty words, Will Smith. It seems there will only be one song on the soundtrack – Bob Marley’s ‘everything will be alright’, repeated twelve times to reinforce the fact that the movie has a major political agenda but is so poorly defined that you can almost hear the crickets after his sentence ‘bring light to darkness’. The audience didn’t exclaim anything like ‘wow!’ or ‘cool!’ (not like the commotion when seeing Transformers), there was nothing but silence. Maybe if Neville wasn’t trying to evoke laughter from the audience, it may have been a little more believable.
What else needs to be said except – AVOID!!!!
new gear makes all the difference December 9, 2007
Posted by harlequin in Uncategorized.Tags: adventure, concrete, darkness, decimated, devastated, dolphin, fish, flippers, panic, pier, rotten, skewer, snorkeling, swimming, toad, underwater, unnerving, valve
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Uncertain of how to walk, let alone swim in our new ‘top-notch’ snorkeling gear, we trod backwards into the tide. I think the steady motion of the waves and the protruding flippers kept our balance. The new gear came at a great cost, though I believe through all our underwater experiences, it was well worth the amount spent and soon afterward that realisation became apparent. It could naturally be expected, with the greater length and surface area of the professional flippers that our swimming speed can be greatly enhanced.
This took some getting used to: for a start, the flippers were a little loose and so adjustments were a common affair, even in deeper water; the flippers slapped together on each successive motion and the momentum was lost, this meant some careful coordination to provide greater thrust; undeveloped muscles and difficult movements previously unused resulted in chafing and rapid deterioration of energy. It took a good few hours to devise some powerful movements and when these were performed, the speed and ease of gliding through the water was amazing. Couple that with superior goggles, which allow us to see a greater depth of field and properly seal against leaks, it’s the makings of a recipe of fun.
Most importantly, the snorkel allows three great new features, I had otherwise in my ignorance, little understanding about: a shut-off valve at the top of the breathing apparatus, which prevents the intake of copious water; jettison valve at the base of the snorkel, to release any water caught in the snorkel; looks really cool.
With this upgrade in technology we were able to swim out further to explore and experiment with our gear. It was late afternoon again, not as late as the previous story, but late enough to have lost a great deal of sunlight, even for such an overcast day. The depth still scares me and more so the unknown lurking beyond the navy curtain. At this part of Canadian Bay, the beach is ruptured in sand bars and slanting rock slides, so that swimming horizontally seems somewhat like diagonally. It was during this confusing optical illusion of the sand bank, that a school of tiny fish some thousand strong charged past. Flabbergasted to say the least, they seemed almost tropical in their colour and markings, as such with fright and an unexpected curiosity, I expelled numerous bubbles through the base of the snorkel. They darted quickly, averting the docile cloud of streaming bubbles, this caught Miss Tash off guard. Like birds, they flew in perfect formation, even during the relentless stirring I displayed and secretly I lament; had I brought a skewer, I’d have enough to make at least one fish finger. Other than this, the left-hand side of the bay was surprisingly dull. Reefs of seaweed and vegetation were devastated by the swarming starfish, littered almost in piles amongst outcroppings of lithospheric examples.
From a previous trip to this same area, we knew that the other side of the bay had two piers and a greater, flatter expanse to explore. It was now approaching dusk and getting rather ‘cool’, when Miss Tash and I delved further out toward the blackened shelf of mollusk encrusted poles supporting the minor pier. The unnerving darkness beneath the pier got the better of Miss Tash as she would not swim too close, but my curiosity could not pull me away. One could not simply believe the amount of crap lying under that pier; tyres, pistons, engines, crates, bolts, nuts, hooks and concrete slabs with people tied to them; the usual stuff. We took off toward a sweeping hill of sea vegetation, all decimated and rotten, this held no appeal whatsoever.
Panic stricken, as my flipper came loose, I grappled the strap back on and tightened the harness. With the momentum gathered from deft movements to catch up with Miss Tash, I adopted the motion of a dolphin, by clasping my feet together and bobbing my head up and down, this actually worked quite well. During this, a small fish launched from beneath the sand away from my looming shadow, quickly followed by numerous others at shorter intervals. I knew these as toad fish and only just worked out why they were called this: they look like toads hiding in the sand and they’re ugly.
We swam around a little longer until dusk, when Melbourne decided summer had to make way for winter this night. Shivering uncontrollably, I lurched icily into Mt. Eliza fish and chippery for some evening grub, where they were kind enough to deactivate the air conditioning long enough to prepare the meal. Awesome chips and an even more remarkable day.
