Ravings for Remedies

First of all, our wedding:
Time was moving quickly toward our destiny, when two weeks beforehand my brother and sister-in-law invited us over for dinner.  LASAGNE!!!  It was magnificent, truly the best I’d ever experienced and had three servings, but found it strange that Rod only had one.  Later he said, I’ve got to go out to get some more smokes, you wanna come Paul?  I felt so full and good by that time and said “Yeah, what the hell!”.  Rod grabs two carltons and gives me one.  We walk from his place, up the adjacent streets to the golf-course and through a back entrance.  As we walked toward the pub or the course (19th hole), Rod nonchalantly says, go inside and get yourself a beer.  I walk inside and find Shaun (family friend from way back) playing pool with my mate Adrian.  I see Shaun first, because I’ve known him for so long: Shaun, what the hell are you doing here?  Then Adrian’s laughter draws my attention to him.  Adrian?  Then CLUNK!  Ohhhh, man!!!!  This is awesome!  I was caught completely off-guard!  Then most of the groomsmen turned up, my older brother and Dave, including some ring-ins whom Rod knew.  We played pool, while chatting and catching up.

When the day finally rolled around, I was both extremely excited and bloody nervous.  I had written my speech and was all prepared for the day ahead, my groomsmen really took care of everything.  Following on from my Bucks Night at Clifford Park and then Bucks Night 2 at Chirnside Golf Course, we had a final Bucks Night at Portsea Hotel (by the time we’d buggerised around with the cars and afterward travel arrangements).  This time, it was just my brothers and my sister (and her partner Andy).  What a night!  Rod and I played an arcade golf-game, while we waited for the others to arrive.  Richard and Nicole were going to see ‘The Killers’ that night, so they left the kids at the hotel with their eldest daughter and her boyfriend.  When Ingrid and Andy finally rocked up, we wined and dined and started getting lightly into the scotch (I’m still learning to drink it in smaller sips!).  Then Dave and Mel surprised me and turned up to join in the festivities.  An excellent night and awesome support from my family and mates.

That night however, I barely got a wink of sleep.  I felt a bit groggy, but were so excited I just couldn’t sleep.  I got up and paced the hotel hallway numerous times to try and wear myself down.  In the end, after all Rod’s snoring and my insufficient sleep, the sun started rising.  I headed into the bathroom to start preliminary preparation: shit, shower, shave.  Then headed down to breakfast (buffet!!!).  My parents had arrived and our whole family ate together, with Dave and Mel.  Finally, it was time to don our penguin suits.  Rich said he’d just be a second.  We’d only just got our jocks on when he came back fully dressed.  I was saying ‘What the hell Rich?’  He said ‘I wear suits so often these days, it’s a breeze to put on!’  Rod kept dropping his guts and we had to borrow two fans from neighbouring rooms to fan the farts out the window…believe me…they were BAD!!!  I had almost everything on: Beautiful suit pants, shoes, french shirt, white vest, tie (Richard assembled it for me, because I couldn’t get it the way I wanted it).  When all of my groomsmen were together, I gave them my gift of cufflinks (all stylish but with an obvious wave-like design to signify the event near the beach) – mine were special and different.  Finally, I donned my overcoat and fog-watch, just as the button-hole flowers arrived (corsage?), with a telegram attached.  IT WAS FROM TASH!  I tried enormously not to breakdown crying at that point.  It was a beautiful letter to me personally about Tash’s dreams.  I felt like a bit of a mess after that.  With the shoes on, I became 6′10″ and literally all eyes focused on us as we emerged from the accomodation area of the hotel, into the lounge and foyer.  Ten O’clock.  1/2 an hour.  I was shaking.

The celebrant Corrinne told me Tash had just left from Rye and was heading toward Portsea.  Glen notably reminded me of the Hitchhikers premise ‘Don’t Panic’.  Glen and Dave held my shoulders each and said ‘we’re here, relax!’  We all walked out the front to have the videographer roll some footage (I looked into the lens a few times.  The decision was left to me, whether the staff set the chairs up inside or out.  I looked at the looming darkness of a storm rolling in, smelt the air (which still smelt dry) and said ‘Outside…it’ll be alright for a while.’  They complied, but with an expression of amazement.  It had not much to do with magic or anything.  I wanted the bay as a backdrop, not a plastic window in a black tarp and besides, the air was still warm and dry.  We walked back outside to the ceremony area, on the lawn overlooking Portsea pier and Melbourne in the far distance.  Nerves.  We all stood in a ring, congratulating each other and preparing.  Everyone kept asking me ‘Are you alright?  Are you ready?’  Then, a page ran out and said ’she’s here!’  I shit myself on the spot.  We all assumed our positions.  The audience of eighty all stood and looked back.  Adrian (as Bride’s mate) was first to walk slowly down the grassy gnoll and assemble over the far right (left to the audience).  Then came Melissa (Tash’s cousin), smile beaming as we looked at one another and stood beside Adrian.  Then came Ania (Tash’s best friend), walking slowly down beside Melissa.  The wait!  More waiting.  I was tensing up like a sheet of ice on a glacier.  And then, when I saw Douglas (Tash’s brother) walking my bride toward me, with her beautiful dress and the smile I’ve loved from the first time I saw her, those plates of ice broke apart one by one, all the way up and I started crying like a baby (but keeping composure as much as I could).  She glided slowly down toward me, never taking her eyes from mine, if only to watch her footing.  Douglas, literally looked like a man now (I am proud to call him my brother).  I took Tash’s hand from Douglas and held his.  He walked back somewhere (I don’t know, I wasn’t watching him anymore).  I held both of Tash’s hands in mine, still bubbling away with tears etc.  She was gleaming with happiness.  I heard my sister speaking a reading and Tash’s grandmother, but I wasn’t listening really.  My only focus was my wife to be.  Then it came time for our vows (we wrote our own).  Even though I’d rehearsed mine numerous times, I still relied heavily on repeating after the celebrant.  Tash read out hers, which made me more emotional.  Then Rod stepped forward, with the (immitation) ivory box I’d bought Tash as a surprise wedding gift, to become our ring(s) vessel.  We placed the rings on each other’s fingers and kissed.  We were then and now, One.  Cheers and applause.  We walked over to the signing table, to sign the certificate and registry.  Then we were walking down the isle, cheers and applause, rose petals and laughter.  Catching up with everyone and shaking many hands.

Our photographer took us down on the beach for group photos of our wedding party and Tash’s cousin Chris took photos with Tash’s camera also (we have SOOOO many photos – somewhere upwards of 1000).  The beach shots are amazing, as with the cliffs and our jumping fun.  The weather drove us in and out a few times, but enough to truly capture the moment we all shared.  The reception passed by so quick, it was hard to grasp it for any length at a time.  We seemed to choose people for our wedding by instinct and were not wrong with any of them.  The acoustic band was great: sombre and emotional.  When it came time for our speeches, Dad, Tash’s gramp, Rod, Shane, Ania and especially Tash all made an emotional impression on me.  When it came time for mine, I think I covered everybody and left nothing out (not even Tash’s father and brother, who died many years ago).  We all felt the love in that room together.  After shaking everyone’s hands and embracing brothers and sisters, it was time for us to leave fashionably early.  A car awaited us outside the hotel, to take us to Arthur’s Seat Summit Views accommodation honeymoon suite (for the night).  When we finally got up there after Lucas and Ania’s hospitality, we were blown away by the view.  Tash gave me my wedding present, which even now makes me teary.  It’s a book of our history and one which I will record all the changes and additions to our lives (i.e. parents, children, steps through life etc).  I remember feeling so loved by everyone that day and special night, not that it is changed or anything, but just a lasting aura of care and love, it’s truly amazing.  That’s what we all need and desire.  The rest of that night remains a secret.

Honeymoon:
Got out of there early, around 8.30am.  We had to race from Arthurs Seat, Dromana to Hampton Park; to drop off the car and get a lift with Douglas and Judy to the airport, to start our honeymoon in Queensland (Cairns): Palm Cove.  We took the home-made bread from the villa and brought it with us to Queensland.  Leaving Tullamarine to land at the brisbane terminal, change planes to Cairns and finally at 8pm, we arrived in Cairns’ shed of an airport (I thought Hobart was small).  I was feeling buggered by this stage, that when they said they’d lost my luggage…I just wanted to collapse from exhaustion.  But they found it.  We boarded our shuttle-bus (pre-paid) and we were off to Palm Cove.  The first thing that struck us when we walked out of air-conditioning was how beautiful and warm it was.  Way more than Sydney and this was in autumn.  As we were heading to the hotel (Mango Lagoon), we kept exchanging glances and touching hands and looking at the differences.  I pointed out strange and archaic street signs: ‘WOW!’  But then looking deeper, I noticed that there didn’t seem to be many fences.  In fact I was later to discover that there were no fences on any of the national parks.  Even the cane fields were devoid of fences.  It felt like we were in another country.  We got to the hotel at 9.00pm and had to retrieve the key from a safe (afterhours).  There were geckos on the ceiling making weird chirping noises.  We walked down the pathway to our hotel room, I thought I saw movement, but cancelled the thought.  As we entered and saw how well set up we were for the eight nights ahead of us, we almost collapsed on the bed.  Almost, because we realised we hadn’t eaten at all since Melbourne.  So we ordered a pizza and then afterward immediately forgot we didn’t have any transport.  So we had to walk down to the foreshore and find the place (they didn’t deliver).  There were bats flying just over our heads and strange yobbos sitting around drinking.  As soon as we turned the corner on the main strip, wow!
The most tropical view I’d ever really wanted to see (and a feeling like I’d seen it first hand before).  Palm trees jutting out of the sandy pathway and more palms just over the road and a sweeping tide pulling back and forth.  We bought the pizza and head down to watch the tide and dark clouds drift over the bay.  It wasn’t particularly busy and felt very relaxed.  We explored the shops, until I fell down some stairs and hurt my ankle.  I was okay the next day, but it was hurting for most of our honeymoon.  The walk back to the hotel was long and felt even longer since we didn’t know much about where we were.  That’s when we vowed to hire a car and buy shopping for a week (saved us around $1000).  When we picked up the car (toyota bomb), we booked in for a snorkelling / scuba-diving tour of the Great Barrier Reef for the Wednesday (the next day).  We spent that day buying food, buying fruit (custard apples, my new favourite) and relaxing by the 50m pool outside our hotel room and just chilling out.

When it came time for our ‘Reef Experience’, we head into Cairns and walked along the crocodile infested boardwalk to the marina, past the Cairns Lagoon.  The crew had made breakfast for us and I stupidly grabbed a greasy burger of egg and bacon, regretting it as soon as the kat started lurching side to side with the waves.  Land-lubber.  I was the first to be sick and the only one incidentally.  I sat on the deck at the back of the ship, looking at the horizon, but the motion was driving me crazy with a green face and brown paper bag.  After I’d released all of breakfast, I took two chemical tablets for motion sickness and was fine for the rest of the day.  When we finally reached Norman Reef, all fifty or so of the customers grabbed their snorkels and flippers and wade out from the twenty metre depth toward the reef itself, Tash and I amoung them.  Tash asked if I could see the reefs below, I couldn’t.  Just a reflecting sun shimmering out in a star.  As we approached the others, the endless transition from blue the black gave way gradually to the reef.  I was thrilled beyond belief, but also scared shitless.  This was the deepest water I’d ever swam in (I’d normally be fine in just over three metres at Frankston), this was twenty to thirty metres!  But it gradually lessened to about ten as the reef loomed higher ahead of us.  At some stage I lost Tash in the complete resignation to a desire of oggling the beauty below us.  Tropical fish like I’d never seen before, with a brilliance only a first-hand experience can deliver dancing about us like inquisitive children.  People were diving down fairly far to get a closer look at the sights below the reef-shelf.  Some reef-sharks patrolled below us, but were of no concern really (though initially added some trepidation).  But there we were in the ultimate of places.  My heart was racing like a thoroughbred, the experience was beyond anything I’d seen before while snorkelling and only managed to set the bar higher.  After an hour paddle, it was time for our introductory scuba-dive.  Unsurprisingly the tanks were heavy as they deflated our suits and we sunk to the preparation bars below the ship.  There we went through the hand signals to make in case of a problem or something to point out.  Up top, we were told that we had to equalise every one and a half to two metres down.  By holding your nose (the goggles have a rubber nose-seal) shut and blowing air through it, it forces your ears to release the pressure / equalise.  We headed down, arm-in-arm, equalising as we went.  But Tash was having trouble, she could not equalise, because of her perforated ear-drum.  She beckoned me to continue and she skimmed the surface with the instructor (unfortunately, she may never be able to experience what I did).  As soon as I released the pressure numerous times I was down the bottom, watching a school of black reef trout poking around for food.  Each time you equalise you drop in depth automatically, so it’s a constant reminder to keep equalising.  The others were high above me, as I skimmed just above the sand (it was rather cold down there).  The sun played around up there and the shadows of my teammates and wife were sometimes frightening to be caught within as the mind wanders in the depths.  Gradually I felt the need to return to the instructors side and started climbing and equalising once more.  I was always scared of deep water, even at such a young age, but with my wife’s enthusiasm and encouragement, I feel like I can do anything now. We finished our dive and head into the boat for a smorgasboard so breathtaking I had to have four serves to take it all in (plus I was pretty hungry after my earlier purge).  The crew started the kat and we headed from Norman Reef to another location for the coral gardens and deeper dives at $50 per 30mins.  We agreed to do a snorkeling tour with the marine biologist Phil and then I’d participate in a further dive.  Tash was already in the water by the time I climbed down the gang-plank.  While I was forcing the flippers onto my feet (they were a size or two too small), Tash was yelling out that fish were circling us, they were blue reef schnapper and beautiful creatures to see.  I waded toward Tash, as the weather changed and became a bit drizzly, but even that couldn’t ‘dampen’ our enthusiasm.  Phil escorted us toward the garden-wall and pointed out various interesting creatures, then as we entered the coral garden entrance, the sheer volume to fish pouring into the abundant beauty was staggering.  We were caught in the commotion and I guess must’ve appeared as fish ourselves entering with them.  We followed Phil as he led us toward 300 year old giant clams.  One was green with encrusted molluscs and a orange ‘lip’ (i say this because it was the softest thing i had ever touched).  The other was kind of blue and yellow.  The lip-part itself was spotted with dark blue or purple dots.  It looked highly poisonous like a blue ringed octopus or something, but Phil assured me it was perfectly safe to touch.  I duck-dived down three metres and placed my hand inside the opening and touched the luscious ‘lip’.  The giant clam started to close slowly.  We headed back to the main crowd after that, with more spotting here and there, until a dingy alerted Phil to remove me from the group, as it was time for my dive.  Tash continued with the tour and I headed out with Lance (diver) and the other introductory diver (only two of us this time).

The hardest thing to get used to when diving is the breathing, you must keep yourself relaxed and breathe easy, and of course remembering to equalise often, once you can do these things, it becomes a cinch.  We dropped down from the boat and followed the anchor line, there was a turquoise haze all about us and reef schnapper dancing about the chain.  I was so much more relaxed now than previously and each ’sssssshhh’ sound from my ears during equalising dropped me further.  The haze darkened and objects loomed far below us.  Lance took us near the reef shelf and pointed out some amazing creatures, like a coral that reflexively disappears when you wave your hand near it.  I looked up at the top of the shelf and surface above, and it looked like how it’d imagined a song by Moby called ‘the blue sun of the underwater reef’: a shimmering white amidst the cascading and constantly changing tide, beams of light coming down below the surface like sun rays in a foggy sky and a multitude of small fish silhouettes passing by above me.  This is how I’d envisioned a reef experience to be like, and it was raining above the surface!!!  I’d fallen behind a bit, and worked to catch up, using my hands like I do snorkeling, but there really isn’t much need when scuba-diving, it’s all legs.  We passed an open shelf with coral and moved up further, to a cave entrance, where I was staggered by the adventure we were being taken on.  Thousands of purpley-blue irridescent fish moved about around the cave walls, like a busy city block and we had to be aware of the bulkiness of our gear and the dimensions in the tight location.  As we emerged from the other side, the three of us were hovering in another coral garden, surrounded by bright black and white angel-fish leaping back and forth from rocky crags.  Lance wanted to push on and as we left that area, I saw a very strange shaped object on the sandy floor below.  I gave the uncertain hand signal to Lance, to get his attention and he headed back to check my gear.  I gave him the ‘I’m cool’ signal, but pointed at the black and yellow spiky metre-long thing.  He picked it up and let us both touch it.  It was apparently a pineapple-sea-cucumber, with an armored exo-skeleton, not unlike the spines of a pineapple.  We headed off again and passed some reef-sharks below us, and I felt the trepidation rise again.  I had seen amazing things on that dive and vowed to do a lot more diving in the future.
end of part 1

“The Crappening”

Written, directed, choreographed and product-placement endorsed, by M. Night Shyamalan

Starring Mark Waldorfsalad, Zooey Funnynameitis and lots of other b-grade actors

A recap. Its half price at the pictures tonight Special K. Let’s see what’s on. Hey, there’s a ‘Night’ movie called ‘The Happening’ at 9.30pm, let’s go. Lady in the water was great, this should be awesome. Internal Thought: Maybe I should check IMDB to make sure it isn’t shit; we don’t want another ‘I am Lame!’ No, that won’t happen: This is M. Night Shyamalan. We bought the tickets, we ate the Nandos, now…we digested the crappiest movie of all time. Wait…I can hear the brain-dead skeptics rehearsing in pure white-trash ad nauseum: ‘derr it was really good.’ No, Cledus, it wasn’t. The plot, it’s all about the plot and a worthy set of twists; that at least was our heightened expectations from so previously brilliant a director as the aforementioned. So it was with complete surprise, that the movie fell out like a hopeless can-of-worms.

Bees. That’s where Waldorf brings our attention to. What could cause these insects to vanish without a trace? Bee-nappers? Bee-aliens? Bee-grade actors? This was supposed to be a profound statement from a teacher of science, whose use of technical knowledge is non-existent. Yet it is obvious that his comment about vanity of a male student acts as a preface for the entire film: shallow. This teacher, whose indescribable relationship with his friend (gay lover) and his girlfriend (wife), holds all the answers and asserts from plant-liaising hippies, that what is ‘happening’ is an airbourne toxin released from plants (striking revenge against the damage man has done to this planet), that seems to follow people by utilising the wind, causing people to freeze on the spot, talk shit and blow their brains out or lie in the path of a lawn mower. Paradoxically, this is the exact effect Shyamalan must’ve intended for his audience. Stand still, talk crap then kill yourselves from boredom.