tectonic shift
it’s now mid-november, the wavering heat is gradually climbing and surprising us with its trickery. conversely, i am on an end-cycle of Testosterone and thoroughly feeling the differences. i am more susceptible to paranoia and generally i feel less than excited by just about everything – flat. last night, while i lay in bed trying to feel sleepy amidst the dominating heat, a wave of sadness was threatening to take me under. it took what felt like the better half of an hour to convince myself that what i was experiencing were the chemicals influencing the synapses in strange ways (or something to that effect) and that it was nothing but a thought projection.
though we’ve been through this for many years together, it feels like the first time when I relate to my wife that I need to contact my endocrinologist; i forget the day-to-day things during these times of lapse and sometimes they are the parts you look back on, because they’re common. and yet, while it seems pointless anyway to consider those things significant, i feel cheated nonetheless.
considering the time i lose during these transitions, in retrospect i’ve always had this problem with aging, because i attach meaning to an age and consider that if i don’t reach a certain goal by a certain age, i am going backwards or that i have a lot to catch up on; in which case i feel overwhelmed and retreat into computer games as a consolation. and though the next end-cycle may shift my thoughts in a different direction, i feel that the decision to get back into my talents is a step in the right direction. at the same time i am still measuring myself against others i know of different ages and it seems life is getting shorter. this is probably ludicrous, but i feel it regardless.
the truth to pull from all this is that i am a scatterbrain, i have talents across many areas, but believe that concentrating on one strength is a waste of time and in so doing, i remain a jack of all trades but master of none. a tiny example of this, is the knowledge that ‘The Wheel of Time’ will be made into a series of epic movies. i’ve known from others that this series is simply one of the greatest ever written and i’d like to invest a year in reading it (each book is about 1000 pages and i’m a slow reader), but simply cannot justify the time to spend on it. and yet, had i started already i may be partly through one of them by now. no, i agree to my own post…it is ludicrous!
